Molera. 6:15 pm, high cirrus and fitful breeze. By Ivy Jayne

Strange gulls cry low and mournful
The sound your heart would make
Given a voice.

(I did come to the beach
with my ego intact;
but witnessing this sunset
you can only speak
from outside yourself.)

The tide is coming in
and you can smell it with your skin.
Here:
A place permitting no evasions.

You know there are no reasons for things like this.
The season comes–
Wind through the redwoods–
Branches fall
Contours change
Where leaves lie over last year’s softly buried remains.

But you still make the attempt.
Explanation:
He’s not prone to emotional excess
He doesn’t have a cause to die for
He can’t feel his feet
Or want to lose himself anymore in a life
of places with unpronounceable names
exotic local religion
mysterious women
and better drugs–

Well, no. and it isn’t the weight, either
the workload
the distance to here
none of these absurdities, these essentials;
It’s not caprice
And it’s not because sometimes
you just want to be on the side
that’s winning.

No, it’s the desire
(of course it’s desire)
To go home with something burning inside you
Like sunset clouds
Like saltspray in your eyes
Like strange wine
And it’s knowing that you didn’t say no–

Not then and not once before–

The difference between thirsting in the desert
and being swept out to sea.

–October 2006 (with apologies to Bob Dylan and Harlan Ellison)

to view more of Ivy's meditations & thoughts go to ivyjayne.wordpress.com

Excerpt on chopping woods from Jack Kerouac's "Big Sur"

"I realized you can always study the character of a man by the way he chops wood-- Monsanto an old lumberman up in Maine as I say now showed us how he conducted his whole life in fact by the way he took neat little short handled chops from both left and right angles getting his work done in reasonably short time without too much sweat --but his strokes were rapid --Whereas old Fagan pipe-in-mouth slogged away I guess the way he learned in Oregon and in the Northwest fire schools, also getting his job done silently, not a word --But Cody's fantastic fiery character showed in the way he went at the log with horrible force, when he brought down the axe with all his might ...He chopped off his log with the fury of a Greek god --Nevertheless it took him longer and much more sweat than Monsanto --'Used to do this in a workgang in southern Arizony' he said, whopping one down that made the whole tree trunk dance off the ground --But it was like an example of vast but senseless strength, a picture of poor Cody's life and in a sense my own--I too chopped with all my might and got madder and went faster and raked the log but took more time than Monsanto who watched us smiling..."

If Owl is your personal medicine, no one can deceive you about what they are doing, no matter how they try to disguise or hid it from you. You may be a little frightening to be around, since so many people have ulterior motives which you see right through. Owl medicine people know more about an individual’s inner life than that person knows about herself or himself.

I Dream...

Of attracting an abundance of opportunities to share my gifts with the world 

Of attracting a great love and the opportunity to practice having a conscious, spiritual, fulfilling, unconditional love relationship

Of creating a sustainable life for myself in the vortex, and using that power to blast my gifts out into the Universe, and attract abundance in order to fuel the feedback loop between my energy and that of the Universe

Of letting go of my Ego and dropping into my true Self, the Self that is always connected to source, never separate, never needing anything that is not already there

Of having a clear path in which to manifest my dreams

Of never being afraid of anything, everything is always exactly as it should be

Of having the insight to see, comprehend, and integrate that which is beyond the physical, the formless and infinite source of which I am a part of

Of creating compassion in the world by leading others towards God-Self Realization

Of being a part of a shaman circle and an equal leader within the tribe.

The Esselen Hands - Robinson Jeffers (1887-1962)

Inside a cave in a narrow canyon near Tassajara.  The vault of rock is painted with hands, a multitude of hands in the twilight, a cloud of men's palms, no more, no other picture.  There's no one to say whether the brown shy quiet people who are dead intended Religion or magic, or made their tracings in the idleness of art; but over the division of years these careful sings - manual are now like a sealed message saying: "Look: we also were human; we had hands, not paws.  All hail you people with cleverer hands, our supplanters in the beautiful country: enjoy her a season, her beauty, and come down and be supplanted; for you are also human."

                      Spiral, spiral, spin, spin, call the healing from within....

Turkey Vulture Medicine

Video of Vultures soaring and perching in the Giant Oak over my house with Eagle Song sang in the background

Sulfur Hot Springs of the Esalen Institute to soothe the soul.  

Surrendered (A Poem)

Intense Day
Worn thin, broken down, shattered into a million tiny pieces, and determined to pull myself back together.
Needing a break to re-connect, ground down, and surrender.
Sitting in a hammock, under an ancient Oak, and at Turkey Vulture soaring and perching height within the Palo Colorado canyon.
Listening to a chorus, and watching a flight show of Hummingbirds, Mountain Pigeons, Blue Jays, red Tail Hawks, and a number of other birds I cannot yet identify.
Surrounded by a wall of Eucalyptus, Redwoods, and Oak, with windows of the other side of the canyon, and down towards the mouth of the canyon.
Floating in a bed of native Ferns, California Fuscia, Douglas Iris, Forget-Me-Nots and Sages.
Hard not to surrender, dropping back into the infinitely fulfilling Universal support system, of which I am a part of.
Grateful for this true break from the mental monkey mind, the chittah vritti.
A flush of clarity shed light on what is true, and how to let go in order to let God manifest my highest potential.
Truth pouring out, relief washing over, strength and determination rushing in to help co-create the best outcome for all.
Gaining strength to pick myself up, point my self in the right direction, and letting go of the details with faith in the One.
Drunken with Self love, connecting with my pretty little grey kitty girl.
Snuggling, stroking, and loving leads to purring, play, and mutual heart fulfillment.
Sharing the moment and all it has to offer with the Universe, especially those energies who are against me.
Compassionate towards myself and everyone, especially those who are un-compassionate towards me.
Proud of myself for returning home to this peaceful place inside me again, after much hardship.
Honoring, and respecting me sacred heart for all it has been through and its current strong, and healthy state.
Grateful for all I have and for the ever pregnant moment of potential.

Microcosmic Worlds Within Worlds at Indians (A Short Story)

I can’t even begin to describe it.  For a friend's birthday myself, the birthday girl and another dear friend headed out to Indians to spend 3 night and days camping at The Indians, an area of sacred Esselen Indian land that now belongs to the Forest Service and still holds the power and magic of its history.  One day we went hiking and with the help of some good medicine to connect to the land, although we didn't need it we began with an intention setting ceremony, took our medicine and set off to explore, connect, heal and surrender to the land and its medicine.

The first medicine we came upon was an open field with caves carved out into a rock wall.  There were grinding holes everywhere carved into the topside of huge rock formations that had been lifted up to form terraces.  It seems as though there was a village that lived below, protected by the rock wall.  It felt like the men would stand above and survey the land to protect the town below.  It felt as though I was remembering this.  Down below there seemed to be a major kitchen where the women would make food as they looked over the land from ground level, although there were grinding stones along the top terrace as well.  We hiked through many mystical rock formations, manzanitas groves, and through so many different beautiful colors of mosses and lichens.  No human designer could ever dreamt this place up, this was Mother Nature's design and it was phenomenal.  We each had our roles, all magical, all powerful and all lending to each others own magic, it was truly a magical day.

I kept collecting bits of trees I fell in love with along the way and ended up with a bouquet of black & white sage, a dead manzanitas branch, and a dead baby manzanitas tree with a magically spiral trunk.  Yes, I carried a miniature tree around all day.  My blanket kept getting caught on the trees as they would beckon me to play a little while longer.  We came to a grotto that was fantastic.  Each time I take a piece of nature with me there is an honoring and respect that occurs.  I assess whether I would be hurting the species if I take pieces, and having a Biology degree in Biodiversity, Ecology and Conservation Biology helps me to know this.  I ask permission from the plant and let it know my intentions.

Mosses of so many beautiful colors were covered in dew from it raining the night before and seemed to have infinite depth.  They looked and felt as though they were alive.  I could feel mother earth through these moss beings and felt like petting them as though they were pets.  I felt strongly pulled to one in particular & held onto it, closed my eyes, let myself go and was severely grounded down & through the moss, the rock and all up into the atmosphere and our surroundings.  It felt as though me and the universe we breathing through each other, like one giant lung.  I felt as though I had hung out at this grotto thousands of times before.

We kept hiking and scaling up and down rocks, but with a sense of familiarity.  We came across a giant crevice that resembled an earth yoni, a yoni is a representation of the cosmic vagina.  We sat atop rocks and surveyed the land with this same familiarity.  I felt as though I was with my people and were were doing what we were meant to do forever in time.  It was a coming home.  The sky felt like a snow globe twisting grey clouds across a white backdropped sky.

At the end, we came across a tree that had fallen.  The bark was like white velvet skin wrapped around the trunk of the tree.  The tree was shaped like a "Y," and over the heart of the tree was a huge knot with a branch coming out the center that had been broken off.  We all felt, and it was said aloud, that we had been summoned to come to this tree and so we all took our places, one on each branch coming out from the heart, all converging around the heart.  My two friends were having their own experience due to the tree's powerful energy, and I had my own personal experience.  I felt as though I was sitting in a compass looking across the sky, in the four directions, and seeing the reflection of my truth in each direction.  Then we connected our bouquets from the day to the knot and went into almost a trance like state.  We had all been called to that spot as strong medicine people to heal and connect with the Mother, and we did our job.  The experience felt as though pure white, healing energy was being channeled through me, us, the tree, the Earth and the Universe, all as One.  After we let go of the bouquet, there was a spider friend that took up residence on my manzanitas tree, we enjoyed its presence.  We removed the bouquets and began to focus on the knot.  There was seeing a little microcosmic world within the knot of the tree.  It was like a little city.  All moving parts like tinker toys, frills popping in and out.  Dr. Suess & Alice in Wonderland in the present.  You could make it go and stop whenever you liked, just by choosing to focus on it or not.  A true lesson on how powerful your thoughts are. 

After the tree, we landed in a grove of trees really close to our campsite.  The branches of the trees formed another giant yoni which, when I chose to focus on it, felt as though I was in another dimension.  Everything pixelated into fractals of energy overlaying the objects themselves.  I began to see a green and blue geometric face opening, closing, breathing, and pulsing like a kaleidoscope.  It felt like the presence of Kali, the Mother of Darkness.  Kali is the Goddess I connect to the most as she helps me to constantly and bravely face my unconsciousness and make it conscious, turning darkness into light.  She is a powerful ally.  As I stared into her face I proclaimed to her that there is no need to be afraid of any thing because its all the same, there is no good or bad, no up or down, no inside or outside, no dark or light, no yin or yang.  There is these aspects, these dualities in all we experience, but there is both in everything.  So, the second you name it you are wrong.  These dualities are fluid in nature, they are neither, they are both, they are One and the same.  This is the Tao that cannot be named.

As we came back to camp, and fed nourished and nurtured ourselves, with food, fluids, fire, and faith the gratitude for so much medicine began to flow through me.  So much stale energy that was held up inside me had been broken up and was ready to come out, and got stuck in my second chakra.  I began to massage, and twist it out, and eventually was able to let it go physically.  What a day, what magical medicine I got to experience at, and through Indians, home <3

Reminded (A Poem)

Reminded of my past & purpose

No thing matters

There is no light, nor dark

There is no up, nor down

There is no inside, nor outside

Surveying this land,

Navigating through these rock formations,

Leading & nurturing a herd,

Connecting with & sharing the sweet, sweet Mother,

Drinking deeply of Her nectar,

and Playing my role as a strong medicine woman

...all as I have done for thousands and thousands of years

Her blood is my blood

Her life force is my life force

Make the inside like the outside

all is One